Sudden consciousness….. 

19 July 20k15

Ahh….hi I know you aren’t my kitty but one of its kind. I am writing to you just because I want to divert my mind from that killing pain in my back. I am in ICU intensive care unit. I think I am asleep for long time maybe more than two days. I have no idea of time I even don’t know whether its day or night. There is even difficulty in writing in dim light. More than light, my hands are numb and I am unable to hold the pen in between my fingers. My hands with lots of needles seems heavier and this oxygen tube is tickling my nostrils. My hands are cold maybe due to Air conditioner but I am feeling weak. Even I can’t see my mom or any other sick people. Some machines are beeping at regular intervals and that blood pressure measuring instrument sphygmomanometer is attached to my upper arm making my hand more impotent to move.  Maybe I am looking worst with saliva on my cheek. My lips are parched. My hairs maybe like a nest of early bird. My head is hurting and I am feeling dizzy as I am sitting. Some nurses attended me after I gained my consciousness, I was even unable to grin at them. I want to meet my mom but they won’t allowed. 

But everything is not bad here. In front me little far from my bed on a chair with some files a young doctor is sitting. His white skin is sparkling in dim light. His frame less glass is adding to his personality . His white coat suits him. He is young. May be doctor for intern. I can say I have crush on him. Sometimes he looks at me and I try to smile at him but my oxygen tube doesn’t make it possible for him to see my smile. 

I am tired of this drips running through my veins. It is painful. I am feeling isolated from the world like I don’t know anything about it not even whats the time. The room is with no window so that I can see sun or moon or even stars, tree or flowers, birds or those night flies. I want to meet my mom and hug her. Ask her about my favorite tv series. Call Shivani and Anshika. Nothing is exciting here, sometimes I take out the oxygen tube and breath for a change. But I fear nurses giving me more injection so I don’t do frequently. I am feeling life less….. 

But I know my doctor is gonna scold me for using her prescription paper for writing. Actually I am waiting to get rid of all these blunders. Go out and sit on beach and view those waves touching seashore. Make my hair and put so much of Vaseline on my lips wear my new pair of jeans and tees. Argue with my brother for phone and ask papa for ice cream. But, I have to sit here until someone call my mom. I am feeling sleepy talk you later.

Bye. 

                                 Yours loving                                               Roli…………… 

Actually today just going through my diary I found this page. I don’t know I am doing right to post it or not but I don’t wanna rue about later. Writing has always been successful in lessening my pain. I didn’t know what to do that  time. No one was around me except some nurses and that cute doctor but I want my mom to hold my hands. It wasn’t possible as visiting time had passed. I am glad that I captured that moment on paper so that it can remind me that how to fight pain. How you feel isolated and how your hormones always works when your eyes see cute people.I didn’t had my diary along with me so I wrote in my file papers for which I was later scold by my doctor and it was fun when she got messed up with all odd papers.  I have copied ditto from my diary to share with you all…. 

Thanks for reading. Hope you like it. 

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Sorry…….. 

Date-8/7/20k17

Hi,Kitty. Good morning. Its Saturday and there is no any enthusiasm for weekend and holiday. Everything and everybody appears to be gloomy and sad. Their is an awkward silence in my mind. Birds on the wet trees are singing melodiously by seeing clouds and someone is yelling out there but I don’t know. I am frighten  I am scared  of loosing him. I am in regret for not unsending those messages on insta before letting him to read. For not believing his words. For not trusting my love. I will be broken in every way if he left me. 

I will miss him. I will his those silly talks about economics. His poem about his crushes and his obsession about girls. I can’t forget his nature’s photographs and landscape which he send me early morning. I can’t kill my desire of living with him in one home with kissing and cooking. Walking on the street of Amestradam his arms on my shoulders telling world I belongs him and splashing water on raft when we will be rowing in canals of Amestradam. I didn’t want to end like this, truth is this I never want to end my love for him. I want capture all those sunrise and sunset and even   drink coffee with more latte by chatting about all the things going on in our lives. Driving scooty and singing on our loudest the favorite lyrics “I had a dream we were sipping whiskey neat, highest floor and bowery. And I was high enough. Somewhere along the lines we stopped seeing eye to eye. You were staying out all night and I had enough. No, I don’t wanna know where you been where you are going. But I know I won’t be home and you will be on your own. Who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning. Who’s gonna rock when the sun won’t let you sleep. Who is waking up to drive you home when you are drunk and all alone who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning… IT AIN’T ME….. “and be the Craziest people around. 

I don’t want to bid him adieu and try to forget him. I want to be close to him such  that our breath mingle. This small misunderstanding doesn’t mean to break my hopes, I won’t let it. I want to know him more, his funny and evil side. Through the window I would see the faded rainbow, hidden in clouds. Yesterday I remembered how he said me excitedl like a three year old,  hey,  listen here is rainbow but not so clear. I want that rainbow to get rid of those clouds and emerge as a beautiful creation same as I want our relationship to get rid of clouds of dismay and get more beautiful than that rainbow. 

Kitty, morning is mourning today…… Without him 

                                 Your’s lovingly                                           Angel … 

A sad pages of diary……  

4 am…….. 

Its been 4 Am and I am awake in your taughts. Thinking you actually owe me love or not. Its being not more than month that we have come close but  I feel so attached to you, and isolated from the  world. A hectic day is waiting ahead but I am unable to distract myself from your voice and chuckles and make myself sleep. Soon the sun will yawn to rise in east and I am in no mood for getting dreams by closing my eyelids. 

Making milestone in talking and feeling that  we should have talked some more shows how desperately I miss you. I don’t believe that I will stare in your eye’s pool and see my reflection. Or feel  your skin’s warmth against me. But there is a hope, like a small ray of light in dark tunnel. Which inspires me too aspire you. But hope has always been a volatile poison, which kills you slowly. Heart which is throbing in stary night and dusky day and cool twilight will stop as if the poison have  done its job. Only thing haunts me is the my own scenario which I have made in my clouds of taughts. Which gives me dream of your and mine togetherness on this planet, where nothing I can control.  Not even my loneliness and insomniac night.  All scenarios gives me strength to move a step ahead with you but my last mistakes stops me from expecting more  as you never assured me that you  love me…….. 

Its around five and still tossing on my bed with  diary and scribbling about you. 

His Attempt……. 

Leaning on the wall with choas and chase.                                                           He got a glimpse of pretty face.               Hairs on shoulders unevenly spread.    Black kholed eyes ravished they.             Beaming of her had made his day.              

He made a gesture to move but she ceased and looked.                                     He smirked for the attempt she have just made.                                                   But she moved sideways ways for handshake with his best friend.             

He was moved aback with what she have just did.                                              He moved closer and she was still, her aura was immensely awful.                     He stepped ahead and  her breath warming his neck.                                    Her cherry red lips touched his and soon it were rolling against each.        

Soon she was moved away with his whack, blushing and head down walking isolated.                                        She disappeared from his sight, and he blushed with glee.  Cried for his  just attempt….   

Well, spent Sunday… 

“Vidya, today is Sunday and you rise up early today!” her mother asked surprisingly by rubbing her eyes. “yea, I am going to one of my friend’s home.” Vidya  hesitantly answered with holding mug of coffee in hand. “Last Sunday too you went for outing with friends, atleast stay at home for once in a week.” Vidya’s mom said showing her disapproval. “I feel frustrated here, please!” Vidya  said pleadingly  and moved towards Balcony. 

Vidya was a 20 year old girl who lived in Capital City . She was open minded and freedom loving. She loved to be in company of peers. But at same time she was sensual and caring. She believed in theory that everyone should be loved, whether whatever the person is. She was a second year B. COM student, and she didn’t give shit to the course. Only thing she wanted to do in life was starting her own N.G.O. 

“Hi, Debu. All fine?” Vidya  called her friend whom she was going to meet today he explained her the plan and they both hung up. She finished her coffee hurriedly and rushed for grooming. After taking hot shower she dressed herself in white lace top and bright yellow and orange,  black long skirt. She took her scarf and wrapped around her neck. She kept her hairs open and took her specks. Hurriedly she wore her sandals and left the home. 

Vidya was in extreme hurry. She wasn’t going to afford a waste of single minute. She took auto and “Bhaiya, Cafe coffee day. Chaloge.” and the driver started the engine and meter took its speed. Vidya was happy for spending her Sunday at her favorite place, where she gets peace and happiness at same time. She felt little guilt  to lie her mom, but her mom would never approve this. On way she stopped at small stall and took various types of Cadburies. 

Auto stopped just infront of CCD, and she paid and got down from vehicle. After all this ritual, instead of going in CCD and placing order of favorite cappuccino she walked towards the opposite building. Named as “SPECIAL CHILD CENTER”. She walked swiftly towards the center. The glass door showed clear view of inside. She pushed the door and stepped in. As soon as she stepped in the boy with unusually thin limbs walked up and hugged her. He was Abhishek who was suffering from some of those strange inability. He was of 15,but looked like a 7 year old. Vidya patted his cheeks and held his hand, and they walked towards the recreation room. Debu was sitting in corner with little girl helping her in force and action, teaching her to catch ball. She smiled at him. As soon as the children saw her they gathered around Vidya, Vidya was their favorite Didi. Vidya always helped them to learn and overcome their disability. More than that Vidya played with them, eat with them and also bought chocolates for them. 

“Didi, today I colored only under the border of the circle.” Om yelled out loudly. “Vidya didi, look at this I have drawn.” Ana showed her paper which was covered with sketches. Vidya appreciated their attempt and gave everyone the chocolates. Then her eyes fell on the Khushi who was sitting in the center of the room with colors all around.  Khusi  avoided Vidya. Vidya gone and sat beside her. But as soon as her eyes fell on the drawing sheet she couldn’t move her eyes. It was the most beautiful landscape she have ever seen. She stare sometimes at landscape and sometimes at Khushi. The colors she was mingling and splashing water was thrilling. She kept her hands around the Khushi’s shoulder and kissed her cheeks. But soon the man with big bagpack arrived. And handed over mevans cake to Debu. 

Vidya was having lots of fun with these children. She loved them unconditionally and they loved her back. But this Sunday was special as it was Khushi’s 9th birthday and Debu and Vidya have planned a surprise celebration for all. As soon as cake arrived Children created chaos in excitement to know who was Birthday boy or Girl. Vidya soon disclosed the suspence and arranged the chocolate icing cake in front of Khushi. She also displayed all her paintings. Soon Khushi blewed candles and everyone buzzed in Birthday song. Khushi kissed Vidya and gave her the piece of cake. Soon Vidya played songs and everyone started moving on tune. Gaurav who danced like  Prabhu Deva was busy in showing his skills. Soon the Pizza boy arrived with pizzas and soon everyone was bustling to collect their box. After having meal. Vidya played and helped them to learn many things. Vidya loved those children more than anything. She can spend her whole with these kids and she actually find them special. She bid good bye to everyone for home. When she entered her house she hugged her mom and whispered sorry. 

She changed into tank tops and sweat pants and opened her personal diary and starts the page with “Well spent Sunday.” 

P. S :- ACTUALLY, this post is just not for simply getting likes, its creating aware that we avoid such children just because they don’t appear to be normal. I know they are not normal but normal people endup being normal. But different people endup being extraordinary. They lack something, which we possess but at same time they have something extraordinary which we don’t possess. Instead of restricting your children from being friends with them or avoiding yourself from them,  just keep yourself in place of such people. How will you feel, when society reject you? Just because the mistakes that you have not commited. So accept them as they are, and help them to flourish their talent. 

Its weird but helpful… 

Hi! Today I am going to touch a very touchy topic. Its not just touchy topic but also sensative topic. Everyone of us will be having one or the other views on it. It is not just related to me but everyone. Its boring but interesting. Its irritating but pleasing. Its authentic but fictional. Believe me it’s actually very weird but   valuable. We are hitched with it since our childhood. Its not story of just Indians but whole world have the same connection with it.  Can you guess the thing I am talking  about. No, Then its our subject Mathematics. Maths. 

Its not like I love maths so I am writing about it, but if something I have to run away from is, then its maths. I have made various attempts to stay away from it,but this maths is like a shadow which never left me. To avoid it I had choosen Nature science but our physics and chemistry have such strong friendship with maths that it was impossible for me to separate them. Seeing their inseparable friendship tear rolled down my eyes. Economics, you can’t study it without maths and after all Geography it have strong relationship with maths. Wherever  I ran,  this maths followed me and it is the ghost which haunt everyone  

Aryabhatta, this man with bald head and saffron dress is responsible for all these, neither he would be inventing zero and decimal systems nor this maths would be  getting difficult. Its different thing that if he was not at work then still we would have been ignorant about the distance from the earth to the sun. But whatever it is,  my life would be in peace. Maths lovers always will have respect in my eyes because they are loving the most unloved thing I would imagine.  

But, maths is so important to us that we can’t ignore it. Our monetary system totally relies on maths and most of the health things such as blood pressure, pulse rate and even hemoglobin is measured with maths. So destroying it with nuclear weapons is not going to help me. But, the only thing which I love of maths is that it teaches us that most difficult problems too have solutions, just you need to find different approaches. Whenever I face difficulty I opened the book and see the most difficult problem after staring it for twenty minutes I go to solution page and see answers (I am so dumb that I can’t find my own solution) seeing the answer I get that this fictional problem have solution then definitely my real problem would have. 

In India everywhere your mathematical skills are tested and yea, if you are good at maths  you are labeled as Intelligent. So friends its weird but helpful. 

Mobile got sticked in our hands with feviquick… 

“Roli, what are you doing in mobile? Just after hooking out of bed, you hook yourself to mobile. Do you ever know what is going on in house?” my mom snapped at me today morning. Rainy morning with no sun the 9 A. M seemed to be just 6 A. M. Tired me dragged myself towards balcony so that I can read the latest chat on whats app in peace. 

” Okay! Leaving mobile but please don’t raise your volume at least in morning.” I yawned till I felt that there was enough air in my body and said her.. 

“Brush, your teeth atleast and eat something.” my mom pleaded me, I was surprised moms can pleade for doing brush too.  I just nodded and felt that I should be brushing. After my brush I sat on sofa near window so thay I can get accurate weather forcast. But still I was hooked in mobile but this time it was productive as I was searching for new pdfs of books. Again my mom appeared with a plate of chopped apples and handed over to me. Mobile in right hand, so I preferred left,  it made her angry. So giving me stern look she sat beside me. Not to look wet trees,  but my mobile screen, she wanted to was I dating someone or not. 

” You know that Aunty wo lives two lane behind she bought new dress, it was quite pretty. Umm I was thinking to purchase it for you.” my mom started most boring topics of her, outfit of aunties. “So you want me to dress up like Aunties.” I rolled my eyes and showed her how frustrated I was because of her talks. I took a piece of apple and froced it in my mouth. ” Because of this mobile you even don’t want to talk to your mom too. Great! What a generation have arrived. ” she showed her disappointment. I got up and walked up to another room, just to be alone with my mobile. 

 

Best day to worst day… 

Green lawn, swings moving to and fro with creaking sound. Children doing cartwheels on grass. Granny and Grandpa holding hands and taking walk at the edge  of park. Couples having there time and roads are bustling with SUVs and bikes. Nothing is still, birds returning to their nest for night and flowers ready to droop with sunset. Cold wind is giving chilly atmosphere. 

But when my eyes met his, I became numb. Shiver ran through my spine giving me goosebumps. 

I stared at him, he stared back as like we were competing who can stare longer. I smiled at him, he grinned back. I winked he winked back. My heart started to run marathon as he was walking towards me, suddenly cold wind seemed to be more cooler. My breathing increased but I didn’t move back, His steps were giving joy to me. I put up a smile to hide my nervousness and stood up from my seat. He shook hand his hard skin liked by mine. I got the urge to hold his hand forever and ever. I felt us to be next granny and grandpa. All the chaos appeared to be still. Only he and me exchanging glances. He was speaking with lots of words but his voice was hypnotizing me. His words made me fall more for him. I was impotent to move my eyes from him, maybe this what my eyes were fantasized of.  We exchanged numbers, as soon as I reached home he called me. We talked for hours as if we knew each other from years. As soon as he hanged up I started missing him. I felt I was in love because mentally and emotionally we were compatible. 

He took me for dinner, I liked the moment he actually made it special for me. Soon he told those three magical words and I was in 7th clouds of happiness. I felt I conquered the world as he ment the world for me. I declared that day as best day of my life. He kissed me and I kissed him back. We kissed again. In very short course of time I was on his bed naked he upon me. He touched me, soon he was within me. I felt good and complete as if now we were inseparable. We were one ;now we were US. He touched me in every nook and that night I went in sleep in his arms with heat of his body. I made a self decision that his lips are those which I will kiss forever. I love him now and forever. 

Soon the night changed to morning. Sunrays removing darkness from velvet sky. But the morning bought darkness in my life. He left me, he left me after touching me, he left me after make me love him. He left me in dismal and suffering.

He took away the power of  loving from me. He took away the strength of trust from me. He gave me just the hatred and disgrace. He gave me betrayal. He gave me both best day and worst day of my life. 

For him it was infatuation but for me it was love. Love for life which died soon. 

Unplanned… 

Planning! Best ever activity enjoyed by humans. We plan many things like everything from weddings to birthdays. From lunch to grooming. From present to future. Yea, we plan everything, like everything. If you preplan about your future you are determined, but if you don’t have plans then you are alleged as  nebulous. Its true we have to give directions to our works and also make a motive of doing. But what if our plans get shattered and we have to face it anyway. What do we do in such situations? What you actually do in such situation? A dreadful scenario get displayed in front of our eyes. 

Our life is a result of working of universe. Universe consist of all constellations and systems in which we are working. Our life is a very minute part of it, we get various opportunities but on contrary we seek different opportunities which don’t exists. When our plans get  devast then how angry we become? We curse on everything related to us. We lose our temper and get panic. We get angry for those things which never existed. Our plans were imaginary, it was the product of our imagination, nothing was real in it though we get frustrated. Not really, those plans were made in our head. And we waste our energy on getting angry just on the things which were yet to come. When things go unplanned tgen we must enjoy its originality and newness. We should make our self ready to face instead of crying over cheeseless station. Cursing over fate and asking why it happened to us?? Like why only we were choosen for all this misery, we waste our  time  in all these and fails to grab the important opportunities which is just waiting next door. 

Crying, yelling, panicking we messed up with our present too. Many things go unplanned because we are just a small cell of universe and we can’t control anything. Rather just enjoy the new experience…. Believe me it is adventurous. 

Its difficult… 

“Umm.. I should be little gaining weight, isn’t it?” I asked Anshika, who was sitting on my extra size bed munching popcorn. She looked at me made pout, by raising her eyebrows she goes”yup!!! So try this cheese popcorn. ”  I just made it clear that already I was full and not having popcorn, but somewhere I felt sad about my weight. How I was thin and always have to supress the desire of wearing tight jeans. 

” Hey, look at it, this top, isn’t it cool?? ” Anshika asked me showing her mobile screen she was browsing shopping sites for grabbing cheapest and coolest clothes. “Yeah, its pretty.” I told her and she clicked buy option. Anyway I was not purchasing anything from online sites as no clothes can fit in me. I was just 18 year old but my life is boring and complicated as a 40 year. My Renal disease  have come to endstage and hardly there is any chance of my recovery. After every 4 hrs I have to do dialysis with 9 meter catheter implanted in my belly. My peritoneum is always filled with 1500ml of glucose fluid. I now can’t swim in pools neither can eat whatever I want. Have to wear masks and avoid tight dresses can’t go on vacations and always have to worry about not getting infection. My friends don’t find me normal so they just can’t help me now a days I feel doctors are only friends I have. I am facing this from last 2 years  in these many time I have lost so much of weight. I have become pale and lost my original face. My face now always puffy due to not more water drainage from my body. 

 Two years back when I got to know about my illness, I was lament. It was just silent grief not more. I didn’t cry louder because I would see the tears in my mom’s eyes. I didn’t complain because my father was already broken. I didn’t speak because my brother was watching me. The entire moment was mournful. My plans of being doctor was shattered in just one stroke. My life changed, I was no longer a adolescent who can aspire of something and work for it. My life was now supported by many medical appliances. I was not allowed to eat what I like. I was forced to sit on hospital bed. It was not easy for me to accept, I felt to die. I always slept for dieing, in hope of not viewing tomorrow sunrise. 

To suffer pain and regret is more depressing than death. You die then you won’t feel pain but to vomit, and eat is more painful. Seeing my mom suffering along with me feels me with regret. Not doing anything productive sitting and checking something in cell phone never gives pleasure. Its just not acceptable for anyone. 

My life didn’t give me anything but I got to know that your parents won’t leave you at any cost, it doesn’t mayter how broken you are. My parents love me more than before and feels sorry for me. In our life there is only one friend who will stay with you in any situation and in my life was Anshika, who never left me. I know my life is not more but I will be happy to die in peace as these people will never forget me. 

“Hey, babe look at this one. Trouser.” Anshika showed another picture in her mobile screen. 

“Isn’t it too loose for you to wear.” I asked her because it was so broad and ugly. Those trousers were for like me girl who jave to hide her belly and legs. 

“Of course, I want to wear like you.. As I am your besti and besti wear same.” She said me by looking straight in my eyes. Her eyes were beautiful and moreover when filled with love its more attractive. I just hugged her. She whispered in my ears. 

“I know its difficult but I am there.” I hugged her even more tighter.