4 am…….. 

Its been 4 Am and I am awake in your taughts. Thinking you actually owe me love or not. Its being not more than month that we have come close but  I feel so attached to you, and isolated from the  world. A hectic day is waiting ahead but I am unable to distract myself from your voice and chuckles and make myself sleep. Soon the sun will yawn to rise in east and I am in no mood for getting dreams by closing my eyelids. 

Making milestone in talking and feeling that  we should have talked some more shows how desperately I miss you. I don’t believe that I will stare in your eye’s pool and see my reflection. Or feel  your skin’s warmth against me. But there is a hope, like a small ray of light in dark tunnel. Which inspires me too aspire you. But hope has always been a volatile poison, which kills you slowly. Heart which is throbing in stary night and dusky day and cool twilight will stop as if the poison have  done its job. Only thing haunts me is the my own scenario which I have made in my clouds of taughts. Which gives me dream of your and mine togetherness on this planet, where nothing I can control.  Not even my loneliness and insomniac night.  All scenarios gives me strength to move a step ahead with you but my last mistakes stops me from expecting more  as you never assured me that you  love me…….. 

Its around five and still tossing on my bed with  diary and scribbling about you. 


His Attempt……. 

Leaning on the wall with choas and chase.                                                           He got a glimpse of pretty face.               Hairs on shoulders unevenly spread.    Black kholed eyes ravished they.             Beaming of her had made his day.              

He made a gesture to move but she ceased and looked.                                     He smirked for the attempt she have just made.                                                   But she moved sideways ways for handshake with his best friend.             

He was moved aback with what she have just did.                                              He moved closer and she was still, her aura was immensely awful.                     He stepped ahead and  her breath warming his neck.                                    Her cherry red lips touched his and soon it were rolling against each.        

Soon she was moved away with his whack, blushing and head down walking isolated.                                        She disappeared from his sight, and he blushed with glee.  Cried for his  just attempt….   

Well, spent Sunday… 

“Vidya, today is Sunday and you rise up early today!” her mother asked surprisingly by rubbing her eyes. “yea, I am going to one of my friend’s home.” Vidya  hesitantly answered with holding mug of coffee in hand. “Last Sunday too you went for outing with friends, atleast stay at home for once in a week.” Vidya’s mom said showing her disapproval. “I feel frustrated here, please!” Vidya  said pleadingly  and moved towards Balcony. 

Vidya was a 20 year old girl who lived in Capital City . She was open minded and freedom loving. She loved to be in company of peers. But at same time she was sensual and caring. She believed in theory that everyone should be loved, whether whatever the person is. She was a second year B. COM student, and she didn’t give shit to the course. Only thing she wanted to do in life was starting her own N.G.O. 

“Hi, Debu. All fine?” Vidya  called her friend whom she was going to meet today he explained her the plan and they both hung up. She finished her coffee hurriedly and rushed for grooming. After taking hot shower she dressed herself in white lace top and bright yellow and orange,  black long skirt. She took her scarf and wrapped around her neck. She kept her hairs open and took her specks. Hurriedly she wore her sandals and left the home. 

Vidya was in extreme hurry. She wasn’t going to afford a waste of single minute. She took auto and “Bhaiya, Cafe coffee day. Chaloge.” and the driver started the engine and meter took its speed. Vidya was happy for spending her Sunday at her favorite place, where she gets peace and happiness at same time. She felt little guilt  to lie her mom, but her mom would never approve this. On way she stopped at small stall and took various types of Cadburies. 

Auto stopped just infront of CCD, and she paid and got down from vehicle. After all this ritual, instead of going in CCD and placing order of favorite cappuccino she walked towards the opposite building. Named as “SPECIAL CHILD CENTER”. She walked swiftly towards the center. The glass door showed clear view of inside. She pushed the door and stepped in. As soon as she stepped in the boy with unusually thin limbs walked up and hugged her. He was Abhishek who was suffering from some of those strange inability. He was of 15,but looked like a 7 year old. Vidya patted his cheeks and held his hand, and they walked towards the recreation room. Debu was sitting in corner with little girl helping her in force and action, teaching her to catch ball. She smiled at him. As soon as the children saw her they gathered around Vidya, Vidya was their favorite Didi. Vidya always helped them to learn and overcome their disability. More than that Vidya played with them, eat with them and also bought chocolates for them. 

“Didi, today I colored only under the border of the circle.” Om yelled out loudly. “Vidya didi, look at this I have drawn.” Ana showed her paper which was covered with sketches. Vidya appreciated their attempt and gave everyone the chocolates. Then her eyes fell on the Khushi who was sitting in the center of the room with colors all around.  Khusi  avoided Vidya. Vidya gone and sat beside her. But as soon as her eyes fell on the drawing sheet she couldn’t move her eyes. It was the most beautiful landscape she have ever seen. She stare sometimes at landscape and sometimes at Khushi. The colors she was mingling and splashing water was thrilling. She kept her hands around the Khushi’s shoulder and kissed her cheeks. But soon the man with big bagpack arrived. And handed over mevans cake to Debu. 

Vidya was having lots of fun with these children. She loved them unconditionally and they loved her back. But this Sunday was special as it was Khushi’s 9th birthday and Debu and Vidya have planned a surprise celebration for all. As soon as cake arrived Children created chaos in excitement to know who was Birthday boy or Girl. Vidya soon disclosed the suspence and arranged the chocolate icing cake in front of Khushi. She also displayed all her paintings. Soon Khushi blewed candles and everyone buzzed in Birthday song. Khushi kissed Vidya and gave her the piece of cake. Soon Vidya played songs and everyone started moving on tune. Gaurav who danced like  Prabhu Deva was busy in showing his skills. Soon the Pizza boy arrived with pizzas and soon everyone was bustling to collect their box. After having meal. Vidya played and helped them to learn many things. Vidya loved those children more than anything. She can spend her whole with these kids and she actually find them special. She bid good bye to everyone for home. When she entered her house she hugged her mom and whispered sorry. 

She changed into tank tops and sweat pants and opened her personal diary and starts the page with “Well spent Sunday.” 

P. S :- ACTUALLY, this post is just not for simply getting likes, its creating aware that we avoid such children just because they don’t appear to be normal. I know they are not normal but normal people endup being normal. But different people endup being extraordinary. They lack something, which we possess but at same time they have something extraordinary which we don’t possess. Instead of restricting your children from being friends with them or avoiding yourself from them,  just keep yourself in place of such people. How will you feel, when society reject you? Just because the mistakes that you have not commited. So accept them as they are, and help them to flourish their talent. 

Its weird but helpful… 

Hi! Today I am going to touch a very touchy topic. Its not just touchy topic but also sensative topic. Everyone of us will be having one or the other views on it. It is not just related to me but everyone. Its boring but interesting. Its irritating but pleasing. Its authentic but fictional. Believe me it’s actually very weird but   valuable. We are hitched with it since our childhood. Its not story of just Indians but whole world have the same connection with it.  Can you guess the thing I am talking  about. No, Then its our subject Mathematics. Maths. 

Its not like I love maths so I am writing about it, but if something I have to run away from is, then its maths. I have made various attempts to stay away from it,but this maths is like a shadow which never left me. To avoid it I had choosen Nature science but our physics and chemistry have such strong friendship with maths that it was impossible for me to separate them. Seeing their inseparable friendship tear rolled down my eyes. Economics, you can’t study it without maths and after all Geography it have strong relationship with maths. Wherever  I ran,  this maths followed me and it is the ghost which haunt everyone  

Aryabhatta, this man with bald head and saffron dress is responsible for all these, neither he would be inventing zero and decimal systems nor this maths would be  getting difficult. Its different thing that if he was not at work then still we would have been ignorant about the distance from the earth to the sun. But whatever it is,  my life would be in peace. Maths lovers always will have respect in my eyes because they are loving the most unloved thing I would imagine.  

But, maths is so important to us that we can’t ignore it. Our monetary system totally relies on maths and most of the health things such as blood pressure, pulse rate and even hemoglobin is measured with maths. So destroying it with nuclear weapons is not going to help me. But, the only thing which I love of maths is that it teaches us that most difficult problems too have solutions, just you need to find different approaches. Whenever I face difficulty I opened the book and see the most difficult problem after staring it for twenty minutes I go to solution page and see answers (I am so dumb that I can’t find my own solution) seeing the answer I get that this fictional problem have solution then definitely my real problem would have. 

In India everywhere your mathematical skills are tested and yea, if you are good at maths  you are labeled as Intelligent. So friends its weird but helpful. 

Mobile got sticked in our hands with feviquick… 

“Roli, what are you doing in mobile? Just after hooking out of bed, you hook yourself to mobile. Do you ever know what is going on in house?” my mom snapped at me today morning. Rainy morning with no sun the 9 A. M seemed to be just 6 A. M. Tired me dragged myself towards balcony so that I can read the latest chat on whats app in peace. 

” Okay! Leaving mobile but please don’t raise your volume at least in morning.” I yawned till I felt that there was enough air in my body and said her.. 

“Brush, your teeth atleast and eat something.” my mom pleaded me, I was surprised moms can pleade for doing brush too.  I just nodded and felt that I should be brushing. After my brush I sat on sofa near window so thay I can get accurate weather forcast. But still I was hooked in mobile but this time it was productive as I was searching for new pdfs of books. Again my mom appeared with a plate of chopped apples and handed over to me. Mobile in right hand, so I preferred left,  it made her angry. So giving me stern look she sat beside me. Not to look wet trees,  but my mobile screen, she wanted to was I dating someone or not. 

” You know that Aunty wo lives two lane behind she bought new dress, it was quite pretty. Umm I was thinking to purchase it for you.” my mom started most boring topics of her, outfit of aunties. “So you want me to dress up like Aunties.” I rolled my eyes and showed her how frustrated I was because of her talks. I took a piece of apple and froced it in my mouth. ” Because of this mobile you even don’t want to talk to your mom too. Great! What a generation have arrived. ” she showed her disappointment. I got up and walked up to another room, just to be alone with my mobile. 


Best day to worst day… 

Green lawn, swings moving to and fro with creaking sound. Children doing cartwheels on grass. Granny and Grandpa holding hands and taking walk at the edge  of park. Couples having there time and roads are bustling with SUVs and bikes. Nothing is still, birds returning to their nest for night and flowers ready to droop with sunset. Cold wind is giving chilly atmosphere. 

But when my eyes met his, I became numb. Shiver ran through my spine giving me goosebumps. 

I stared at him, he stared back as like we were competing who can stare longer. I smiled at him, he grinned back. I winked he winked back. My heart started to run marathon as he was walking towards me, suddenly cold wind seemed to be more cooler. My breathing increased but I didn’t move back, His steps were giving joy to me. I put up a smile to hide my nervousness and stood up from my seat. He shook hand his hard skin liked by mine. I got the urge to hold his hand forever and ever. I felt us to be next granny and grandpa. All the chaos appeared to be still. Only he and me exchanging glances. He was speaking with lots of words but his voice was hypnotizing me. His words made me fall more for him. I was impotent to move my eyes from him, maybe this what my eyes were fantasized of.  We exchanged numbers, as soon as I reached home he called me. We talked for hours as if we knew each other from years. As soon as he hanged up I started missing him. I felt I was in love because mentally and emotionally we were compatible. 

He took me for dinner, I liked the moment he actually made it special for me. Soon he told those three magical words and I was in 7th clouds of happiness. I felt I conquered the world as he ment the world for me. I declared that day as best day of my life. He kissed me and I kissed him back. We kissed again. In very short course of time I was on his bed naked he upon me. He touched me, soon he was within me. I felt good and complete as if now we were inseparable. We were one ;now we were US. He touched me in every nook and that night I went in sleep in his arms with heat of his body. I made a self decision that his lips are those which I will kiss forever. I love him now and forever. 

Soon the night changed to morning. Sunrays removing darkness from velvet sky. But the morning bought darkness in my life. He left me, he left me after touching me, he left me after make me love him. He left me in dismal and suffering.

He took away the power of  loving from me. He took away the strength of trust from me. He gave me just the hatred and disgrace. He gave me betrayal. He gave me both best day and worst day of my life. 

For him it was infatuation but for me it was love. Love for life which died soon. 


Planning! Best ever activity enjoyed by humans. We plan many things like everything from weddings to birthdays. From lunch to grooming. From present to future. Yea, we plan everything, like everything. If you preplan about your future you are determined, but if you don’t have plans then you are alleged as  nebulous. Its true we have to give directions to our works and also make a motive of doing. But what if our plans get shattered and we have to face it anyway. What do we do in such situations? What you actually do in such situation? A dreadful scenario get displayed in front of our eyes. 

Our life is a result of working of universe. Universe consist of all constellations and systems in which we are working. Our life is a very minute part of it, we get various opportunities but on contrary we seek different opportunities which don’t exists. When our plans get  devast then how angry we become? We curse on everything related to us. We lose our temper and get panic. We get angry for those things which never existed. Our plans were imaginary, it was the product of our imagination, nothing was real in it though we get frustrated. Not really, those plans were made in our head. And we waste our energy on getting angry just on the things which were yet to come. When things go unplanned tgen we must enjoy its originality and newness. We should make our self ready to face instead of crying over cheeseless station. Cursing over fate and asking why it happened to us?? Like why only we were choosen for all this misery, we waste our  time  in all these and fails to grab the important opportunities which is just waiting next door. 

Crying, yelling, panicking we messed up with our present too. Many things go unplanned because we are just a small cell of universe and we can’t control anything. Rather just enjoy the new experience…. Believe me it is adventurous. 

Its difficult… 

“Umm.. I should be little gaining weight, isn’t it?” I asked Anshika, who was sitting on my extra size bed munching popcorn. She looked at me made pout, by raising her eyebrows she goes”yup!!! So try this cheese popcorn. ”  I just made it clear that already I was full and not having popcorn, but somewhere I felt sad about my weight. How I was thin and always have to supress the desire of wearing tight jeans. 

” Hey, look at it, this top, isn’t it cool?? ” Anshika asked me showing her mobile screen she was browsing shopping sites for grabbing cheapest and coolest clothes. “Yeah, its pretty.” I told her and she clicked buy option. Anyway I was not purchasing anything from online sites as no clothes can fit in me. I was just 18 year old but my life is boring and complicated as a 40 year. My Renal disease  have come to endstage and hardly there is any chance of my recovery. After every 4 hrs I have to do dialysis with 9 meter catheter implanted in my belly. My peritoneum is always filled with 1500ml of glucose fluid. I now can’t swim in pools neither can eat whatever I want. Have to wear masks and avoid tight dresses can’t go on vacations and always have to worry about not getting infection. My friends don’t find me normal so they just can’t help me now a days I feel doctors are only friends I have. I am facing this from last 2 years  in these many time I have lost so much of weight. I have become pale and lost my original face. My face now always puffy due to not more water drainage from my body. 

 Two years back when I got to know about my illness, I was lament. It was just silent grief not more. I didn’t cry louder because I would see the tears in my mom’s eyes. I didn’t complain because my father was already broken. I didn’t speak because my brother was watching me. The entire moment was mournful. My plans of being doctor was shattered in just one stroke. My life changed, I was no longer a adolescent who can aspire of something and work for it. My life was now supported by many medical appliances. I was not allowed to eat what I like. I was forced to sit on hospital bed. It was not easy for me to accept, I felt to die. I always slept for dieing, in hope of not viewing tomorrow sunrise. 

To suffer pain and regret is more depressing than death. You die then you won’t feel pain but to vomit, and eat is more painful. Seeing my mom suffering along with me feels me with regret. Not doing anything productive sitting and checking something in cell phone never gives pleasure. Its just not acceptable for anyone. 

My life didn’t give me anything but I got to know that your parents won’t leave you at any cost, it doesn’t mayter how broken you are. My parents love me more than before and feels sorry for me. In our life there is only one friend who will stay with you in any situation and in my life was Anshika, who never left me. I know my life is not more but I will be happy to die in peace as these people will never forget me. 

“Hey, babe look at this one. Trouser.” Anshika showed another picture in her mobile screen. 

“Isn’t it too loose for you to wear.” I asked her because it was so broad and ugly. Those trousers were for like me girl who jave to hide her belly and legs. 

“Of course, I want to wear like you.. As I am your besti and besti wear same.” She said me by looking straight in my eyes. Her eyes were beautiful and moreover when filled with love its more attractive. I just hugged her. She whispered in my ears. 

“I know its difficult but I am there.” I hugged her even more tighter. 

Why should I regret to be a girl??? 

Are you happy to be a girl? Or sometimes you feel you should be a boy? Have you aspired being a tomboy? Or have you felt girl’s life is not that cool like of boys? Have you ever felt to wear leather jackets with denims and drive a bullet? Surely many of you may be doing it. 

But why not to be a girl who looks pretty in her curls. Who gives a grin to every toddler passing. Who wears black khol to protect herself from omen moreover to give her eye a beautiful look. Who cooks and learns how to manage a family from her mother. Who  gives her papa change when he is leaving for work. Who studies hard so that she can make her parents proud. Who take care of her younger sibling just like a mother. Who skip everyone’s heart whenever she wear that pink saree.  

Its not like I am going out of track of feminism but even though I, find though being a girl we sometimes endup regretting it. Muddle is when we act like male but forget our speciality. Women are most beautiful creatures on this planet not because of her curves but because of her intelligence and potential. Only woman can work from 9 to 5 and then make dinner for her in-laws. Who takes care of her child and give her good up-bringing. Its women who wears 5 meter cloth around her and do all house chores. Who comes to the unknown house and make it her own. She gives birth to new life and make it a good human being. Only girl can start her day from 5 am and cook first meal for her family, then make husband and child ready for their work and school after she goes to her workplace. She Handels clients more efficiently than others. She manages finance and accounts just as it was piece of cake for her. Working with all her efforts in office and mounting ladders of sucess. After using so much of her brain its not like she will go home and relax in cushiony sofa. But as soon as she knock the door her little toddler would be waiting for her. Mess which he made have to clean up by her and after all she have too cook for her family. Its like every woman are boon with special powers, powers to make a cheerful family, solving everything from her intelligence. She is source of strength, love, compassion, frutile life. A man is incomplete without woman. 

A man have to depend on woman for food, washing, cleaning etc etc. So bachelor’s flat is pungent when entered. But if woman earns she is just like a free bird who depends only on herself not  on any other for single thing. So girls never feel shame to learn house chores it just makes you more free and confident. 

We  should feel lucky to be born as a girl. We are not weaker section so that we should fight  for our powers, only thing is to make notice of what powers we behold. Never get upset that you bleed, its what the life is and you are lucky that you have power to give life. Obligation and restrictions  should not stop you from dreaming. Don’t make yourself small by thinking that you are a  girl. Always feel lucky to be a girl. If you actually want  to be a son then stop making yourself to look like a boy, in plaid shirt and funky denims. Work on your dreams be something that any boy would aspire to do. Let society recognize your parents by your name, then you could be the real son of your parents, infact more than son. So dressing like Tomboy doesn’t makes you boy but your deeds makes you a good human. Then Why to regret to be a Girl? 

Are  Drugs were only way? 

It seems wired. How could anyone choose to color dark green their walls? I am sitting clutching my hands round my legs and sometimes biting my nails. On steel chair which is too cold to sit. This place is not at all pleasant, bad odor of medicine is making myself difficult to breathe and patients around me looks pathetic. My mom is sitting beside me with slightly joined hands and she is mumbling something and I could guess hanuman chalisa. In the front chair sits a girl wearing floral frock and a big hair band she looks in mid twenties but her dressing sense is similar to 6 year old. In distance I could see a man in white dress with untrimmed beard laughing simultaneously. I do not belongs to this place my subconscious mind muttered but it was unaware of the fact that now a days drugs addicts are also considered as phyche. I sat there biting my nails and let me tell you my nail biting increased due to time of drugs dose and if I didn’t take on time I would become violent. But only thing haunt me how could I take it at this place? 

No 176 a old man with all in wrinkles yelled out. And my mom got up from the chair holding my hands tightly. I got scared, I didn’t want the certificate of Highly depressed or something like that. I was even scared if they admit me here then how could I be living with all those mentals.  I stepped inside the room which was again painted with dark pink color. My mom hugged me tightly as if I was going for my JEE advance exam but for her it was more important that just silly exam and she was asked to wait outside added to it. In middle of the room a lady in purple saree sat on her swivel chair. She was busy reading orange file which was case of mine. I sat on plastic woven chair in front of her. She looked completely like south indian lady. Had curly hairs and two strands from each sides were tied in buckle. Her each wrist had four heavy gold bangles and she was wearing a fat gold chain. Her temple have sandalwood powder. Her table was covered with lots of paper weights, I started rolling one of the paper weight which resembles earth. After few minutes she spoke and I looked at her. She indeed looked concerned. “Hello Alok. This is Rajeshwari and will help you to come out of this state.” she looked at me but pointing towards the paper weight. I immediately took my hands back so this is also the sign of mental illness. “Just free with me, you will surely come out of it.” she told me with again same concern look. 

My subconscious mind advised me that I actually wanted to come out of this state. I want to be again a bright and a good  son. So I spoke for the first time ” Thanks, but can I have some water first. ” I looked confusingly at her but she smiled and gave me biselary water. I took two sips and taught from where to start? 

“I don’t belong here. You know I am not like that wired man with long beared who laughs with no reason neither I am like a girl who is dressed like a 6 year old.” I panicked because of not getting my dose, I was frustrated. “I know you don’t belong here but if you will not tell me why you started doing drugs then surely you will be one of them.” she returned back to her stern look and now I have taken decision to speak up whatever it was. 

“I am an international physics olympiad Silver medal winner. It was not at all like I don’t cared about my books and grade. Or I took my future lightly. I used to be topper of school and also I was leading in badminton. You know I was absolutely a perfect child which every parents desire off. Like I was completely involved in school and games. My friends were other good students. I used to spend my pocket money in buying HC verma physics books and  R C Mukherjee Chemistry books. Adventure for me was not that how much I can smoke in a minute but adventure was how many problems I can actually solve without referring books. I was happy and content. I was intelligent, handsome, rich and have loving parents. ” I took deep breath and taught this all I used to be but today what I have become. 

” Then what bought you to this track. ” she asked me and waiting for me to answer.           ” Everything thing changes in a wink of an eye. So for my life it changed in just one night. The U turn was my father’s death in road accident. He left us in boat without ore and expected us to row to the shore.” my eyes must have gone red as I could feel tears touching my cheeks the pain was still alive but about it I haven’t spoke to anyone. I took again same bottle and sipped the water. 

“I am sorry, for your father. But what happened to you?” she was curious but I found she was making notes. 

“We moved to Mumbai to my maternal aunts home. The house was not that big, I was not at all comfortable in that ambiance. I tried talking with my mom about all these but she never took me in concerned. My mother admissioned me in not so good school. I started going there but the connection which I had from old  school was different than here. Soon my uncle started abusing my mom for staying there and not contributing in income so my mom joined a meager job. Now I stayed alone at home though they were my family but I used to feel alien in that environment. So I started making friends, I was no longer friends with R. D SHARMA’s sums.  My new friends were those which I used to avoid earlier but I taught after seeing me in bad company my mom would leave job and spend time with me. Though I started hanging out with those guys my mom ingnored it just like it wasn’t a great deal. I Felt sad about it that with my father I am lossing my mom too. One fine day I completed my homework and I went to the place were my new friends used to hangout. One of them was carrying a cigarette packets I saw and I felt wired about it, because passive smoking is more dangerous. In just a spin of clock a boy handed me burnt joint and forcibly he put in my mouth. I threw it by away and slapped him that what was he doing? He started laughing at me and said its completely dope to smoke. Atleast try once. Or we won’t be your friends. Loosing friendship haunted me as I was dieing out of loneliness. So I took joint in between of fingers and inhaled. Today also I can remember how the attack of that cough was.  But soon in that company I too began to compete for my smoking skills. After days drinking and not more longer days that I started doing drugs. Will you believe me that all these I did for seeking my mother’s attention.! Once I purposely placed all those drugs in my mother’s socks and will you get me that she was so sure about me that I can’t do it she blamed on my cousin for it. I was tired of being a perfect little boy of mom. She was so busy in her job that she didn’t give second taught that those stacks would be mine. ” I sobbed and told Rajeshwari till  my heart was empty , in these many years I haven’t spoken about it to anyone. 

” So all you did for gaining.. ” she was speaking but I interrupted her in between.      ” All these I did for so that mom would pay attention on me. She should worry about, interfere in me. But in just sake of attention I was moved long ahead in taking drugs that addiction of it grew stronger and it became next to impossible for me to leave it. I realized that no longer I remember those Trigonometry formulae, I smell so bad due to cigarettes and weeds I have become a useless spoilt fatherless bart. ” now literally I was sobbing it was true I wasn’t happy to come to this mental hospital too. 

” For gaining attention you would have tried to won Gold medal in physics than obviously your mom wouldn’t have shift blame to your cousin, Right Alok. ” Rajeshwari spoke and she spoke the truth. So I just nodded.