Its difficult… 

“Umm.. I should be little gaining weight, isn’t it?” I asked Anshika, who was sitting on my extra size bed munching popcorn. She looked at me made pout, by raising her eyebrows she goes”yup!!! So try this cheese popcorn. ”  I just made it clear that already I was full and not having popcorn, but somewhere I felt sad about my weight. How I was thin and always have to supress the desire of wearing tight jeans. 

” Hey, look at it, this top, isn’t it cool?? ” Anshika asked me showing her mobile screen she was browsing shopping sites for grabbing cheapest and coolest clothes. “Yeah, its pretty.” I told her and she clicked buy option. Anyway I was not purchasing anything from online sites as no clothes can fit in me. I was just 18 year old but my life is boring and complicated as a 40 year. My Renal disease  have come to endstage and hardly there is any chance of my recovery. After every 4 hrs I have to do dialysis with 9 meter catheter implanted in my belly. My peritoneum is always filled with 1500ml of glucose fluid. I now can’t swim in pools neither can eat whatever I want. Have to wear masks and avoid tight dresses can’t go on vacations and always have to worry about not getting infection. My friends don’t find me normal so they just can’t help me now a days I feel doctors are only friends I have. I am facing this from last 2 years  in these many time I have lost so much of weight. I have become pale and lost my original face. My face now always puffy due to not more water drainage from my body. 

 Two years back when I got to know about my illness, I was lament. It was just silent grief not more. I didn’t cry louder because I would see the tears in my mom’s eyes. I didn’t complain because my father was already broken. I didn’t speak because my brother was watching me. The entire moment was mournful. My plans of being doctor was shattered in just one stroke. My life changed, I was no longer a adolescent who can aspire of something and work for it. My life was now supported by many medical appliances. I was not allowed to eat what I like. I was forced to sit on hospital bed. It was not easy for me to accept, I felt to die. I always slept for dieing, in hope of not viewing tomorrow sunrise. 

To suffer pain and regret is more depressing than death. You die then you won’t feel pain but to vomit, and eat is more painful. Seeing my mom suffering along with me feels me with regret. Not doing anything productive sitting and checking something in cell phone never gives pleasure. Its just not acceptable for anyone. 

My life didn’t give me anything but I got to know that your parents won’t leave you at any cost, it doesn’t mayter how broken you are. My parents love me more than before and feels sorry for me. In our life there is only one friend who will stay with you in any situation and in my life was Anshika, who never left me. I know my life is not more but I will be happy to die in peace as these people will never forget me. 

“Hey, babe look at this one. Trouser.” Anshika showed another picture in her mobile screen. 

“Isn’t it too loose for you to wear.” I asked her because it was so broad and ugly. Those trousers were for like me girl who jave to hide her belly and legs. 

“Of course, I want to wear like you.. As I am your besti and besti wear same.” She said me by looking straight in my eyes. Her eyes were beautiful and moreover when filled with love its more attractive. I just hugged her. She whispered in my ears. 

“I know its difficult but I am there.” I hugged her even more tighter. 

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Why should I regret to be a girl??? 

Are you happy to be a girl? Or sometimes you feel you should be a boy? Have you aspired being a tomboy? Or have you felt girl’s life is not that cool like of boys? Have you ever felt to wear leather jackets with denims and drive a bullet? Surely many of you may be doing it. 

But why not to be a girl who looks pretty in her curls. Who gives a grin to every toddler passing. Who wears black khol to protect herself from omen moreover to give her eye a beautiful look. Who cooks and learns how to manage a family from her mother. Who  gives her papa change when he is leaving for work. Who studies hard so that she can make her parents proud. Who take care of her younger sibling just like a mother. Who skip everyone’s heart whenever she wear that pink saree.  

Its not like I am going out of track of feminism but even though I, find though being a girl we sometimes endup regretting it. Muddle is when we act like male but forget our speciality. Women are most beautiful creatures on this planet not because of her curves but because of her intelligence and potential. Only woman can work from 9 to 5 and then make dinner for her in-laws. Who takes care of her child and give her good up-bringing. Its women who wears 5 meter cloth around her and do all house chores. Who comes to the unknown house and make it her own. She gives birth to new life and make it a good human being. Only girl can start her day from 5 am and cook first meal for her family, then make husband and child ready for their work and school after she goes to her workplace. She Handels clients more efficiently than others. She manages finance and accounts just as it was piece of cake for her. Working with all her efforts in office and mounting ladders of sucess. After using so much of her brain its not like she will go home and relax in cushiony sofa. But as soon as she knock the door her little toddler would be waiting for her. Mess which he made have to clean up by her and after all she have too cook for her family. Its like every woman are boon with special powers, powers to make a cheerful family, solving everything from her intelligence. She is source of strength, love, compassion, frutile life. A man is incomplete without woman. 

A man have to depend on woman for food, washing, cleaning etc etc. So bachelor’s flat is pungent when entered. But if woman earns she is just like a free bird who depends only on herself not  on any other for single thing. So girls never feel shame to learn house chores it just makes you more free and confident. 

We  should feel lucky to be born as a girl. We are not weaker section so that we should fight  for our powers, only thing is to make notice of what powers we behold. Never get upset that you bleed, its what the life is and you are lucky that you have power to give life. Obligation and restrictions  should not stop you from dreaming. Don’t make yourself small by thinking that you are a  girl. Always feel lucky to be a girl. If you actually want  to be a son then stop making yourself to look like a boy, in plaid shirt and funky denims. Work on your dreams be something that any boy would aspire to do. Let society recognize your parents by your name, then you could be the real son of your parents, infact more than son. So dressing like Tomboy doesn’t makes you boy but your deeds makes you a good human. Then Why to regret to be a Girl? 

Are  Drugs were only way? 

It seems wired. How could anyone choose to color dark green their walls? I am sitting clutching my hands round my legs and sometimes biting my nails. On steel chair which is too cold to sit. This place is not at all pleasant, bad odor of medicine is making myself difficult to breathe and patients around me looks pathetic. My mom is sitting beside me with slightly joined hands and she is mumbling something and I could guess hanuman chalisa. In the front chair sits a girl wearing floral frock and a big hair band she looks in mid twenties but her dressing sense is similar to 6 year old. In distance I could see a man in white dress with untrimmed beard laughing simultaneously. I do not belongs to this place my subconscious mind muttered but it was unaware of the fact that now a days drugs addicts are also considered as phyche. I sat there biting my nails and let me tell you my nail biting increased due to time of drugs dose and if I didn’t take on time I would become violent. But only thing haunt me how could I take it at this place? 

No 176 a old man with all in wrinkles yelled out. And my mom got up from the chair holding my hands tightly. I got scared, I didn’t want the certificate of Highly depressed or something like that. I was even scared if they admit me here then how could I be living with all those mentals.  I stepped inside the room which was again painted with dark pink color. My mom hugged me tightly as if I was going for my JEE advance exam but for her it was more important that just silly exam and she was asked to wait outside added to it. In middle of the room a lady in purple saree sat on her swivel chair. She was busy reading orange file which was case of mine. I sat on plastic woven chair in front of her. She looked completely like south indian lady. Had curly hairs and two strands from each sides were tied in buckle. Her each wrist had four heavy gold bangles and she was wearing a fat gold chain. Her temple have sandalwood powder. Her table was covered with lots of paper weights, I started rolling one of the paper weight which resembles earth. After few minutes she spoke and I looked at her. She indeed looked concerned. “Hello Alok. This is Rajeshwari and will help you to come out of this state.” she looked at me but pointing towards the paper weight. I immediately took my hands back so this is also the sign of mental illness. “Just free with me, you will surely come out of it.” she told me with again same concern look. 

My subconscious mind advised me that I actually wanted to come out of this state. I want to be again a bright and a good  son. So I spoke for the first time ” Thanks, but can I have some water first. ” I looked confusingly at her but she smiled and gave me biselary water. I took two sips and taught from where to start? 

“I don’t belong here. You know I am not like that wired man with long beared who laughs with no reason neither I am like a girl who is dressed like a 6 year old.” I panicked because of not getting my dose, I was frustrated. “I know you don’t belong here but if you will not tell me why you started doing drugs then surely you will be one of them.” she returned back to her stern look and now I have taken decision to speak up whatever it was. 

“I am an international physics olympiad Silver medal winner. It was not at all like I don’t cared about my books and grade. Or I took my future lightly. I used to be topper of school and also I was leading in badminton. You know I was absolutely a perfect child which every parents desire off. Like I was completely involved in school and games. My friends were other good students. I used to spend my pocket money in buying HC verma physics books and  R C Mukherjee Chemistry books. Adventure for me was not that how much I can smoke in a minute but adventure was how many problems I can actually solve without referring books. I was happy and content. I was intelligent, handsome, rich and have loving parents. ” I took deep breath and taught this all I used to be but today what I have become. 

” Then what bought you to this track. ” she asked me and waiting for me to answer.           ” Everything thing changes in a wink of an eye. So for my life it changed in just one night. The U turn was my father’s death in road accident. He left us in boat without ore and expected us to row to the shore.” my eyes must have gone red as I could feel tears touching my cheeks the pain was still alive but about it I haven’t spoke to anyone. I took again same bottle and sipped the water. 

“I am sorry, for your father. But what happened to you?” she was curious but I found she was making notes. 

“We moved to Mumbai to my maternal aunts home. The house was not that big, I was not at all comfortable in that ambiance. I tried talking with my mom about all these but she never took me in concerned. My mother admissioned me in not so good school. I started going there but the connection which I had from old  school was different than here. Soon my uncle started abusing my mom for staying there and not contributing in income so my mom joined a meager job. Now I stayed alone at home though they were my family but I used to feel alien in that environment. So I started making friends, I was no longer friends with R. D SHARMA’s sums.  My new friends were those which I used to avoid earlier but I taught after seeing me in bad company my mom would leave job and spend time with me. Though I started hanging out with those guys my mom ingnored it just like it wasn’t a great deal. I Felt sad about it that with my father I am lossing my mom too. One fine day I completed my homework and I went to the place were my new friends used to hangout. One of them was carrying a cigarette packets I saw and I felt wired about it, because passive smoking is more dangerous. In just a spin of clock a boy handed me burnt joint and forcibly he put in my mouth. I threw it by away and slapped him that what was he doing? He started laughing at me and said its completely dope to smoke. Atleast try once. Or we won’t be your friends. Loosing friendship haunted me as I was dieing out of loneliness. So I took joint in between of fingers and inhaled. Today also I can remember how the attack of that cough was.  But soon in that company I too began to compete for my smoking skills. After days drinking and not more longer days that I started doing drugs. Will you believe me that all these I did for seeking my mother’s attention.! Once I purposely placed all those drugs in my mother’s socks and will you get me that she was so sure about me that I can’t do it she blamed on my cousin for it. I was tired of being a perfect little boy of mom. She was so busy in her job that she didn’t give second taught that those stacks would be mine. ” I sobbed and told Rajeshwari till  my heart was empty , in these many years I haven’t spoken about it to anyone. 

” So all you did for gaining.. ” she was speaking but I interrupted her in between.      ” All these I did for so that mom would pay attention on me. She should worry about, interfere in me. But in just sake of attention I was moved long ahead in taking drugs that addiction of it grew stronger and it became next to impossible for me to leave it. I realized that no longer I remember those Trigonometry formulae, I smell so bad due to cigarettes and weeds I have become a useless spoilt fatherless bart. ” now literally I was sobbing it was true I wasn’t happy to come to this mental hospital too. 

” For gaining attention you would have tried to won Gold medal in physics than obviously your mom wouldn’t have shift blame to your cousin, Right Alok. ” Rajeshwari spoke and she spoke the truth. So I just nodded. 

“Are DRUGS WERE ONLY WAY?” SHE ASKED ME. 

Memories…… 

“Oh!!! Fuck such a high cut off.” my stomach felt uneasy after seeing 95% on my laptop screen. I was on 82% resting.  There would be no chance of getting into my dream college. Dream college was going to be just dream forever. Getting entry as a student of Xaviers seems impossible and drooping face of my parents bought more churn in my stomach. Finally I was eligible to vote I taught on my 18th birthday but more than voting I needed Xaviers and I was not eligible for it. Am I even eligible for my ambition to be CEO? The question was haunting me but seeking answer of it will be more horrible so I kept myself busy in novel “Faking 19” of Alyson Noel. Her stories always kept me busy and her stories succeed in avoiding haunting questions about my future. 

By the way I am an ordinary kid of 90s. Especially me is total mediocre. We didn’t see android just after the umbilical cord was cut neither did we know about YouTube at the age of three. There is a different story of 90s kids which is definitely not a story of today’s kids especially after the scheme of digital India. Things evolved much but our world always revolved around our parents. We started our educational journey from Jr kg mostly at the age of four. For the most of us the school was fun. New friends and loving teachers admired us. Learning to write alphabet with help of dots and additions with drawing balls or lines will be in our golden days. Coloring with utmost care so that we don’t endup coloring beyond outline of circles or square. Today all those tasks seem silly or it would be easiest to do but at that time when we do it perfectly we used to feel privileged and we  see us as achiever..

Getting home from school and hugging mom as we have missed her alot or seeing her after long time make us love her more. Asking for food, and eating less and splitting more. Just after the food taking nap and then doing homework because we feared teachers more than parents, homework was always done in hurry because the condition was that after completing the work only we can go for play. Yes, we played, we played on open grounds and on mud. We played football and cricket by our own rather in screen. We decorated dolls by our own hands but not only in mobile. We played with our friends by holding their hand rather than typing on phone. We used to sing school rhymes aloud rather than just listening on laptop. 

Dancing in first rain and making paper boats and floating it in water puddles gave us 100 dollar smile. Making paper rocket and flying it in class was adventure as it was restricted in school. Running after the kite to catch it when it fall from the infinite sky. 

Like wise I am a girl and my girlfriends also deed the same as far as I know. We girls always admire to be a woman, to dress like them to behave like them. Moreover to look like a lady at the age of 5 is difficult but we always managed with duppata and some heel sandals. Little bindi stickers. Actually, the fact was that we looked extremely funny as if a clown to entertain public but it satisfied us and encourage us to seek for more mummy’s duppata. Making imaginary food in little fiber utensils and playing role of mom of our dolls. We played as a perfect home maker I doubt any of us would will be so perfect in real life or not. Even today I am seeking for Xaviers to get better job but not be just home maker. Boys always admired cars and trains. They played cricket with commenting on their own shots. Moving 5cm small car to and fro and making sound of car’s engine like vroom vroom from their own throat. It was irritating but intresting at same time. It was total contradiction that we were little kids but act to like as elders. 

 “Moron,  if you have studied harder you would have got Xaviers.” my best friend called me at it was a video call. I would see her face and feel how happy she was in getting into my dream college, I am possessive for everything. She was  yelling at me, I felt to hit my phone hard on marble tiles but couldn’t afford new phone                                                                 so  I go”congo, finally you are going to Xaviers.. By the way when you are updating your Facebook profile to Xaverites. ” I felt to vomit when I said Xaverites it was the title which I wanted to gain. Yeah, I am jealous umm I am not kid now remember I told you I have completed 18. I hanged the phone and saw to the picture of Alyson Noel in novel she looked happy so must stick with her. 

As a kid I was never jealous not even of over achievers. I was happy with my little intelligence. Life was easier and there was no boundaries of imagination. Hopes and dreams always grew never decreased in childhood. Friendship have no boundaries. Bonding with everything seemed simple. That time we feared of ghosts but today people are more horrible. We were proud  owner of our toys. 

Running back of ice-cream trucks and crying for chocolate seems easier than scoring 95%. We prayed to God for rain to be stopped so that we can go for play or our favorite toy not for college. Birthday parties was exciting and we aspired to get a piece of cake which have cherry. Illusion of milk tooth turning to 5rs coin after keeping it under pillow at night and imaginary world of fairies always fantasized us. Fighting with our friends and being friends next day again. Forgetting bad memories but keeping good was the best thing I loved. Watching pogo after the mom slept at zero volume. Fighting for remote with siblings. Making sand castle and breaking it for just fun. 

Whatever it would be ;its just memories……. 

……. Doesn’t it need change? 

Chalk board is filled with lots of  §~<>{} signs and many formulae students beside me are scribbling fast in their note books like if chalkboard will depart soon. Professor in crease checks shirt and loose trouser staring at chalkboard and feeling proud of his handwriting. A girl beside me drawing animated professor and smiling at her own. Few first benchers are constantly asking doubts and last benchers are snoring and some may be dreaming about their crushes. 

But me sitting on third bench sometimes staring at chalkboard but can’t keep my eye long towards it because those signs are horrible and they frighten me. Professor is also not hotie that staring at him will be any point. I looked outside the window seeing flowers blossom gives relax to eyes as they seem real than those signs on board. Butterfly playing on those flowers sucking nectar and flying away quickly makes mind fresh. Petrichore is soothing and raindrops leaking from roof looks pleasant. But the ecosystem of classroom is not at all good, its true that we are dependent on each other for everything like I depend on Alex for my notes, while Alex depends upon professor for hers. But then too the coordination seen outside the window is different everything enjoy its work but in class everyone hates everything. Its not because we don’t have hearts but we have bigger hearts than those of butterflies but butterflies never feel bored by sucking nectar nor does the flower feel bored of giving nectar. But we student actually feel bore of learning formulae and proving them, memorizing facts and puking them on answer sheets. We are so tired of this boredom that we seek for holidays every now and then. One single half day and we grin broadly. We pray for the politicians to die to get a free holiday in mourning. 

Professors seek excuses to cancel classes. They make various plans so that students cannot attend their lectures but for all words only one thing to say that they too don’t like to teach much. Some students are exceptions but not in every thing its not like they will study 24/7. 

But why? Why we don’t like our work? Why we find out different ways to run away from it? 

I think its because we don’t do it in a way it should be done especially education. Everyone is aware about the fact that education is necessary but no one is concerned about how it should be given. Simply torturing the brain doesn’t makes you educated or memorizing the facts. Creating passion and getting specialized knowledge in it makes you educated. Degree can be purchased but not knowledge, what you know matters but not how much you know. If Michael Jackson doesn’t know computer language it won’t make any difference in his life as he knows dancing,  have deep or specialized knowledge of dancing, knowing one thing deeply can make your life settled. If Mark Zuckerberg would have takeby all 12 subjects so seriously then their would not be any social networking site called Facebook. Or if Richard Branson would have taken his dad seriously for his academic grades then their would be no Virgin Empire in business world. 

Education doesn’t lies in academic books but it lies in our passion, learning laws of demand won’t give you anything, market always function according to people but learning moral values gives us respect and dignity. Degrees have worth only if your values  are worth. Otherwise Osama bin Laden too was BTECH, but world hates him because of his own values. Education system needs change, rapid change. 

My mental speech got over when I saw professor standing beside me and looking at my small face eagerly to know about my taught, his big round specks resting on his nose sparkle as the ray of the sun falling on it. Girl beside me have stopped drawing as she doesn’t want credit of her animated picture of professor from professor itself. Still chalk board is covered with equations. Few students are still writing and still butterfly is playing with flowers. 

Everything is same expect my position I am standing out of the class for not copying down those stupid formulae. 

Tic Tic….. 

Tic Tic Tic from 5 to 6 clock moved by sound tic tic tic.                                                                It didn’t wait for me; to wear makeup.           Clock moved with reciting tic tic tic. 

Tic Tic Tic from 5 to 6 clock moved by sound tic tic tic.                                                                It didn’t wait  for me to carry books.                Clock moved with reciting tic tic tic.              

Tic Tic Tic from 5 to 6 clock moved by sound tic tic tic.                                                                It didn’t wait for me to make a call.                 Clock moved with reciting tic tic tic. 

Tic Tic Tic from 5 to 6 clock moved by sound tic tic tic.                                                                It didn’t stop for me to bid  good bye to buddies.                                                                 Clock moved with reciting tic tic tic. 

Tic Tic Tic from 5 to 6 clock moved by sound tic tic tic.                                                                It didn’t wait for me to apologize for my deeds.                                                                     Clock moved with reciting tic tic tic. 

Tic Tic Tic from 5 to 6 clock moved by sound tic tic tic.                                                                It didn’t wait for me to have fun in sun.          Clock moved with reciting tic tic tic. 

Tic Tic Tic from 5 to 6 clock called frowning me.                                                                          I won’t wait for you anyway, you have to do it in a funny way. L cube is only way to solve your issue in nesty day.                                       Still clock recited tic tic tic. 

Tic Tic Tic from 5 to 6 clock giving formulae.  L cube mean live,  laugh and love.                     Moments have worth live it anyway.               Health is wealth laugh it anyway.                     People are treasure love them anyway.            Clock still recited tic tic tic. 

I am not interested in you… 

How could you utter this  “I am not interested in you.” 

There was time when you make planned path to see me, name it as co incidence.        Today you say you are not intrested in me. 

There was time when you know my every small detail, appreciated my ambiance in everything.                                                           Today you say you are not intrested in me. 

There was time when you gave me briefest of smile at every encounter, consoled me in hook and crook.                                             Today you say you are not intrested in me. 

There was the time when you stared at me from every nook possible, hypnotized me by your loved fill eyes.                                        Today you say you are not intrested in me.

There was time when you heartedly laughed at my sillest of joke, applauded highest at my boring speeches.                        Today you say you are not intrested in me. 

There was time when you adored my presence, sat beside me without questioning my silence.                                     Today you say you are not intrested in me. 

There was time when your eyes spoke more than your words, but today you used your words to explain me that you are not in intrested in me. 

There was time when you collected my all broken pieces and today you shattered it again. 

….I am good!!!

It is really funny when you ask for appreciation And people began to show their  own talent. It makes me think if I am doing crap or they are bond to do it. Even we are not sure that they are jealous of us or are insecure about themselves. 

I have experienced this pretty much times. This  make you to feel small,your talent get hurts . They never leave any chance to lower your self-esteem. I feel either to run way or sink in earth. Most of the time inferiority complex arises in our near and dear ones , it only happen when we start to grow and they still lie on same place. It can be your best friends too or even your siblings. They always comes with there own suggestions or in extreme cases they even copy you and try to show that they are superior. But in reality it is nothing to do with you as by doing this they are satisfying their own ego. 

But muddle is when they start giving you false correction or makes criticism only for the sake of revenge . Something inappropriate about our work  always lowers our self-regard.,these things makes us to think more and act less and through which we gradually stop doing those things . So whenever you find such people make distance from them stop displaying your achievement. Lower self esteem is much harmful then anything..

Always appreciate your self by saying I AM GOOD…..BUT DON’T MAKE YOUR EGO ACCEPT YOUR FLAWS AND CORRECT IT 

My Scars…….

“Arya are you ready.” My mom asked me. Ohh sorry I am Arya and I am of just 19. And today boy and his family are coming to see me moreover examine me before marriage,yeah I know its too early and I am too young to marry. But I am not a normal girl so that I can study freely and achive my ambition marry a boy of my choice. Its just impossible for me .umm… because I am raped. And yes, no one will marry me if I said my future groom that I was raped,though I have done no mistake but have to suffer in my life. I tell you life changes after you are sexualy abbused. My life have became worst at my home and after that dreadful incidence my outside world have ended. My life is hell now and it will become more worse after marriage when my husband will know that her wife is not virgin. Though my virginity is loss by sin,but then too my parents want to push me in hell.  And I can’t protest because I have no right to say. Just see my only mistake was attending extra classes and my life became hell and the devil who did this to me is enjoying his victory in making girl small. Every night I see him in the dearm having wicked smile on his ugly face. I still sense his bad touch on my thighs,I still see his lips coming closer to mine whenever I close my eyes. Still my breasts pain due to his inhuman behaviour. 

But no one cares about me and they don’t give damn in punishing that demon because it was mine mistake of wearing skirt that day. Anyway how could he control his urge for touching me,mens never do mistake that what society thinks..that what my parents think..its we girls who are whore. I want to scream and make the world know that I was raped ,I was raped by that guy. I don’t want to be silent cryer. I don’t want  to marry anyone by telling lie or hiding the truth. I don’t want to hide my scars . I want to live my life again. 

“Listen you do heavy make-up and use more concealer to hide this nail scratch over your neck,and why these half slevees wear full sleevs otherwise your lashed hands will be visible.”my mom instructed me to hide my scars. 

“But my life have got big scar maa. How should I hide that?” I asked her ..I asked her because I too want the answer. I was raped just  2 weeks ago and today my marriage will be fixed. No one cares for my life but everyone is busy hiding these temporary body scars ..

“Just don’t make any bullshit there. Because of you already we have suffered.” My mom answered. But is this was answer to my question? They are also unaware of my answer. And yeah,I have made them suffer by being raped so they may be taking revenge by making my life worst. 

“But Maa…”I tried to speak to her but she left by waving her hands in disgrace. Again she left me alone with my wound and suffering. 

I miss you…..

I miss you….

Every song in my playlist reminds me of you.

Every lyrics resembles the moment we share…

I have urge to shut down my memory…

I have urge that I forget you completely…

I don’t want to cry for you ..

Nor I want to be depressed because you left me….

I don’t want to pray for your safety…

I don’t want to tab you and stalk you anymore…

I am tired of trying.. Trying millions of times….

No more I want to search for you on face book …

I don’t want to see your dp and status…

I don’t want my life to bother because of you…

I want to stop my self from thinking about you….

And kill everything that reminds me of you…………

I don’t need you,  I don’t want you …..but I still miss you :(:(