It seems wired. How could anyone choose to color dark green their walls? I am sitting clutching my hands round my legs and sometimes biting my nails. On steel chair which is too cold to sit. This place is not at all pleasant, bad odor of medicine is making myself difficult to breathe and patients around me looks pathetic. My mom is sitting beside me with slightly joined hands and she is mumbling something and I could guess hanuman chalisa. In the front chair sits a girl wearing floral frock and a big hair band she looks in mid twenties but her dressing sense is similar to 6 year old. In distance I could see a man in white dress with untrimmed beard laughing simultaneously. I do not belongs to this place my subconscious mind muttered but it was unaware of the fact that now a days drugs addicts are also considered as phyche. I sat there biting my nails and let me tell you my nail biting increased due to time of drugs dose and if I didn’t take on time I would become violent. But only thing haunt me how could I take it at this place?
No 176 a old man with all in wrinkles yelled out. And my mom got up from the chair holding my hands tightly. I got scared, I didn’t want the certificate of Highly depressed or something like that. I was even scared if they admit me here then how could I be living with all those mentals. I stepped inside the room which was again painted with dark pink color. My mom hugged me tightly as if I was going for my JEE advance exam but for her it was more important that just silly exam and she was asked to wait outside added to it. In middle of the room a lady in purple saree sat on her swivel chair. She was busy reading orange file which was case of mine. I sat on plastic woven chair in front of her. She looked completely like south indian lady. Had curly hairs and two strands from each sides were tied in buckle. Her each wrist had four heavy gold bangles and she was wearing a fat gold chain. Her temple have sandalwood powder. Her table was covered with lots of paper weights, I started rolling one of the paper weight which resembles earth. After few minutes she spoke and I looked at her. She indeed looked concerned. “Hello Alok. This is Rajeshwari and will help you to come out of this state.” she looked at me but pointing towards the paper weight. I immediately took my hands back so this is also the sign of mental illness. “Just free with me, you will surely come out of it.” she told me with again same concern look.
My subconscious mind advised me that I actually wanted to come out of this state. I want to be again a bright and a good son. So I spoke for the first time ” Thanks, but can I have some water first. ” I looked confusingly at her but she smiled and gave me biselary water. I took two sips and taught from where to start?
“I don’t belong here. You know I am not like that wired man with long beared who laughs with no reason neither I am like a girl who is dressed like a 6 year old.” I panicked because of not getting my dose, I was frustrated. “I know you don’t belong here but if you will not tell me why you started doing drugs then surely you will be one of them.” she returned back to her stern look and now I have taken decision to speak up whatever it was.
“I am an international physics olympiad Silver medal winner. It was not at all like I don’t cared about my books and grade. Or I took my future lightly. I used to be topper of school and also I was leading in badminton. You know I was absolutely a perfect child which every parents desire off. Like I was completely involved in school and games. My friends were other good students. I used to spend my pocket money in buying HC verma physics books and R C Mukherjee Chemistry books. Adventure for me was not that how much I can smoke in a minute but adventure was how many problems I can actually solve without referring books. I was happy and content. I was intelligent, handsome, rich and have loving parents. ” I took deep breath and taught this all I used to be but today what I have become.
” Then what bought you to this track. ” she asked me and waiting for me to answer. ” Everything thing changes in a wink of an eye. So for my life it changed in just one night. The U turn was my father’s death in road accident. He left us in boat without ore and expected us to row to the shore.” my eyes must have gone red as I could feel tears touching my cheeks the pain was still alive but about it I haven’t spoke to anyone. I took again same bottle and sipped the water.
“I am sorry, for your father. But what happened to you?” she was curious but I found she was making notes.
“We moved to Mumbai to my maternal aunts home. The house was not that big, I was not at all comfortable in that ambiance. I tried talking with my mom about all these but she never took me in concerned. My mother admissioned me in not so good school. I started going there but the connection which I had from old school was different than here. Soon my uncle started abusing my mom for staying there and not contributing in income so my mom joined a meager job. Now I stayed alone at home though they were my family but I used to feel alien in that environment. So I started making friends, I was no longer friends with R. D SHARMA’s sums. My new friends were those which I used to avoid earlier but I taught after seeing me in bad company my mom would leave job and spend time with me. Though I started hanging out with those guys my mom ingnored it just like it wasn’t a great deal. I Felt sad about it that with my father I am lossing my mom too. One fine day I completed my homework and I went to the place were my new friends used to hangout. One of them was carrying a cigarette packets I saw and I felt wired about it, because passive smoking is more dangerous. In just a spin of clock a boy handed me burnt joint and forcibly he put in my mouth. I threw it by away and slapped him that what was he doing? He started laughing at me and said its completely dope to smoke. Atleast try once. Or we won’t be your friends. Loosing friendship haunted me as I was dieing out of loneliness. So I took joint in between of fingers and inhaled. Today also I can remember how the attack of that cough was. But soon in that company I too began to compete for my smoking skills. After days drinking and not more longer days that I started doing drugs. Will you believe me that all these I did for seeking my mother’s attention.! Once I purposely placed all those drugs in my mother’s socks and will you get me that she was so sure about me that I can’t do it she blamed on my cousin for it. I was tired of being a perfect little boy of mom. She was so busy in her job that she didn’t give second taught that those stacks would be mine. ” I sobbed and told Rajeshwari till my heart was empty , in these many years I haven’t spoken about it to anyone.
” So all you did for gaining.. ” she was speaking but I interrupted her in between. ” All these I did for so that mom would pay attention on me. She should worry about, interfere in me. But in just sake of attention I was moved long ahead in taking drugs that addiction of it grew stronger and it became next to impossible for me to leave it. I realized that no longer I remember those Trigonometry formulae, I smell so bad due to cigarettes and weeds I have become a useless spoilt fatherless bart. ” now literally I was sobbing it was true I wasn’t happy to come to this mental hospital too.
” For gaining attention you would have tried to won Gold medal in physics than obviously your mom wouldn’t have shift blame to your cousin, Right Alok. ” Rajeshwari spoke and she spoke the truth. So I just nodded.
“Are DRUGS WERE ONLY WAY?” SHE ASKED ME.